It’s Halloween, which means our houses will soon be filled with candy–either leftover from trick or treaters that never showed or dutifully collected from the neighbourhood by our own kids–and you know what that means: it’s time to capitalize on this annual event with an article that clumsily attempts to link two things as disparate as candy and beer!
Candy, of course, doesn’t pair very well with beer at all with the possible exception of chocolate and some stouts, but even then eating chocolate tends to negate the “chocolate-y” aspects of stouts leaving you to only taste the bitterness and roasted malt characters of the beer.
But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to try to force these things together today with some beer and candy pairings because, hey, web traffic.
The beer: Erdinger Weissbier
The candy: Skittles
Why it works: It doesn’t. Beer and candy are actually gross together. A good weissbeier like Edinger has some subtle citrus notes. Skittles, like most candy, are so cloyingly sweet that you’ll enjoy virtually none of the beer’s subtle flavours if you drink it while eating Skittles.
The beer: Samuel Adams Octoberfest
The Candy: Reese’s Pieces
Why it works: It doesn’t. Eating candy or chocolate is an experience that is wholly un-enhanced by beer. Other than Halloween, there’s almost no occasion where you’d sit and try to eat candy and drink beer at the same time unless maybe you don’t want to enjoy either, or you’re trying to expedite your onset of diabetes. Chocolate-y peanut butter is rich and thick and probably best suited to having a glass of milk or a water. This is an Oktoberfest lager. Why do you need a beer right now? Just eat the Reese’s Pieces.
The beer: Beau’s All Natural’s St Luke’s Verse Gruit
The candy: I don’t know. Snickers?
Why it works: It doesn’t. One of these things is a gruit made with lavender, rosemary and thyme and the other is a fucking chocolate bar. Look, not everything that you like has to be enjoyed at the same time, OK? I like hot dogs and I like cycling. That doesn’t mean I’m trying to inhale a ballpark frank on a bike ride through the fucking park. Stop trying to force this.
The beer: Left Field Brewery’s Magnus Force Belgian Golden Strong Ale
The candy: Jesus. Really? We’re still doing this? OK…What are those little hard fruit guys? Runts. Yeah, this goes with Runts, OK?
Why it works: The candy is little fruits and there are some fruit notes in the beer. Is that what you’re looking for? Is that what you want me to say? “Look, it’s a little banana! This beer has banana notes! Drink this and eat that and hooray it will be magic in your mouth!” I won’t do it. Fuck you.
The beer: Labatt’s 50
The candy: Candy Corn
Why it works: Seriously, why are you still reading this. Either eat candy or drink beer. Why do you have to do both? Why are you actively seeking out tips on the internet about how to bring these things together? Do you have nothing better to do than this? If you really need to pour beer in your suckhole while you gorge on your kid’s leftover Halloween candy, you probably don’t care if they actually “work together” so let’s stop kidding ourselves. Just put on some sweat pants, buy a six pack of some industrial lager like 50, and go to the Bulk Barn and buy a shit ton of candy corn or some other sugary bullshit and just keep trying to fill that big emptiness you have inside.