The Great Ontario Beer Freakout

Or: How I Learned to Stop Caring and Drink Lager

Maybe it’s old guy navel gazing. Maybe it’s romanticizing a certain period of my life. Or maybe it never really happened at all. But I feel like craft beer in Ontario really did have a hey day.

It was brief, but it felt like something cool to be part of. It felt like something great was happening. Brewers were pushing the boundaries of what beer should look, sound, smell, and taste like and it was this fervent and fertile time period that made this industry blossom. 

Maybe it was a decade ago? I’m not sure. I was drinking a lot at the time. 

But Ontario craft beer was briefly a special sort of crazy. Controversy over cartoonish bombs on cans? Why not? Fuck the LCBO! Dry-hop everything until the air tastes like Citra. Dismantle The Beer Store and salt the earth so nothing owned by the big guys can grow back. Death to AB InBev!

Continue reading “The Great Ontario Beer Freakout”

The 9-9-9 Challenge: A Savage Journey of Baseball, Beer, and Hot Dogs

“Heroes get remembered, but legends never die.”

Some say these words were uttered by George Herman Ruth, aka The Babe, while other historians maintain it was my friend, Leon Melville, speaking to me whilst sitting in the 500 level of a Toronto Blue Jays game in 2011.

What historians can agree on, however, is that whether it were the Bambino or Leon, the phrase was definitely uttered in regards to embarking on the famed, 9-9-9 challenge: consume nine hot dogs and nine beers over nine innings of baseball.

Whoever said it, as someone who attempted it, I can tell you that it shouldn’t be taken lightly. It’s a grind. It takes courage and resilience and the fortitude and determination to force down roughly 10 pounds of substances proven to make your life shorter.

What I’m saying is you really have to want it.

Continue reading “The 9-9-9 Challenge: A Savage Journey of Baseball, Beer, and Hot Dogs”

Dining Out in 2024: A milestone

A mostly fictional account of visiting a franchise restaurant

It was a confluence of unfortunate circumstances and bad judgement that led me to taking a three year-old to a suburban mall the week after Christmas.

There were things to return, a late gift to pick up, and we were catching an afternoon movie nearby. “It’ll be fun,” I had told my wife stupidly as she departed for a girls’ night. “We’ll kill some time and maybe grab dinner.”

It isn’t much later; errands having been run, movie abandoned at the halfway point, and said late gift — oversized and heavy — slung awkwardly in a ripping paper bag under my arm; that I begin to have my first pangs of doubt.

My back is starting to hurt. The mall crowds are irritating me. And my son, being three, had long stopped listening to rational suggestions.

“Buddy,” I negotiate, “maybe we don’t want to lick the escalator railing, OK?”

I shove his coat under my arm and assure myself we just need to get to a restaurant and get some food — and a drink for me — into our bellies. The food court is a no-go. We’ll never agree on something he and I will both eat and there is no chance I am lining up twice to eat. The mall is also attached to a location of The Keg but it seems like both a waste of money and an unfair thing to foist on people on weekend dates to bring a small child there.

And so to the mid-tier franchise restaurant we go.

I corral my son toward the correct escalator using a piece of candy I had found in my coat earlier that day. “There’s got to be one decent beer on tap,” I tell myself as we approach, like a fucking idiot who has never dined at a mid-tier franchise restaurant in London, Ontario.

Continue reading “Dining Out in 2024: A milestone”

Unironically Rocking Out to Smash Mouth

My name is Ben Johnson, and I enjoy late 1990s top forty pop rock.

It’s something I didn’t ever see coming, but now that I’ve said it out loud, it feels inevitable and — honestly —  something of a relief to admit. It’s one less thing to give a fuck about as I inch closer to middle age.

I first realized I had a problem when I was at the gym and, tired of the same two “Workout” playlists I created seven years ago, I opted for one of those “because you like X” playlists and let the algorithmic gods take me where they may. A few minutes into my breathy, post-weights elliptical jaunt, I realized with some sense of alarm that I was listening to Smash Mouth’s “Walkin’ on The Sun.” Not only that, I realized I knew every word to the song and I was…singing along?

What the fuck.

Continue reading “Unironically Rocking Out to Smash Mouth”

In defence of Drinking alone at a bar

 

If, for some reason, you’d like to have this blog post read to you instead of reading it, you can listen to Episode 76 of the Beer and Bullshit podcast, below.

#111 – Hellfire and brimstone Beer and Bullsh*t

This week, two old beer-scented ink-slingers chop it up as Jordan St. John returns and joins Ben to reflect on his days as a nationally-syndicated beer columnist, editor of the beer magazine The Growler, and beer instructor at George Brown. They dig into just how incestuous big beer in Canada is, BJCP certification for the dreaded Ontario Pale Ale,  and why no one cares about anything any more. Plus: Jordan mentions upstart Bickford Brewing so many times it seems like he might be on the payroll. 
  1. #111 – Hellfire and brimstone
  2. #110 – Double Saison
  3. #109 – My car smells like ass
  4. #108 – Blow your brains out
  5. #107 – Your butt's broken

Drinking alone at a bar is much maligned in fiction.

The clichéd trope usually features our hero, beaten down by the world, having lost his family/partner/coaching career/platoon, seeking refuge in the bottom of a bottle. He’s hunched over a sticky bar on a corner stool, a cigarette smoldering in the ashtray next to him, and he’s staring blankly at a game playing quietly on the TV in the mid-day din of an old, dark, wood-paneled bar.

Inevitably, this is the setting into which someone from the hero’s past arrives, casting the blinding glare of the outside world on the bar as he or she arrives to wrench our main character from his Wild Turkey-soaked-funk, butt out his smoke, and send him back to his family/the murder case/the ballpark/the Saigon jungle to exact revenge.

Cue the comeback montage.

But here’s the thing about this tired trope: Not only is it a lazy shorthand for despair,. it’s factually inaccurate. Because to me that nicotine-tinged, stale-beer-scented, mise-en-scène doesn’t seem like a place to be rescued from. To me that sounds fucking lovely.

In fact, I can think of few better places to spend a few hours in solitude than a divey bar. And if you’ve ever done it, I’m sure you’ll agree: Drinking alone at a bar is actually pretty awesome. It really is something akin to self-care and it’s  shockingly effective at curing your loneliness and boredom. Haven’t chatted with another human in a while? Wandering around your house or apartment aimlessly? Head to your local and strike up a conversation with a bored bartender or some other solo drinker. Learn something new about composite flooring or sustainable endoscopy or whatever dumb thing it is they do for a living. Regale them right back with stories of the dumb shit you do for a living. You’re meeting a new person. There’s beer. It’s great!

On the flip side, drinking alone at a bar is also a great cure for overstimulation. Is your house a toy-cluttered shitstorm of noise, sticky surfaces, and offspring? Sneak off to the bar around the corner when everyone is asleep. Have a pound of wings. Watch a west coast game you normally wouldn’t give a shit about. Turn off your brain and Just. Sit. There.

Oh yeah, baby.

And in case you haven’t noticed, a lot of local bars and restaurants are hurting right now. In addition to the rising costs of pretty much everything, the lingering effect of the pandemic seems to be that a lot of people seem to have forgotten the simple joy of going somewhere just for the sake of going somewhere. It’s something I’m only rediscovering now as a germaphobe with a now three year-old pandemic baby. I don’t think of it as wasting hard-earned money on drinks I might have had more cheaply at home, I think of it as doing my part to stimulate the local economy. Yes, the word hero gets thrown around a lot lately, but in this case, I’ll accept it.

So here’s hoping Hollywood might get the message and stop misrepresenting the sublime enjoyment of a fresh pint or a well-made cocktail sipped in solitude in the dusty confines of a neighbourhood bar. Instead of some asshole wrenching our hero from his alone time and pulling him back to whatever hellish nightmare he’s seekingt to avoid, even just for a few hours, lets instead see that asshole pull up a pull up a barstool and order a shot.

The End of The Beer Store’s Monopoly

 

“And he cried mightily with a strong voice, saying, Babylon the great is fallen, is fallen, and is become the habitation of devils, and the hold of every foul spirit and a cage of every unclean and hateful bird.”

~Revelation 18:2

The days of The Beer Store’s monopoly are over, and I fear we are the poorer for it.

For months now, we’ve known something big was coming from our Dear Premier, Douglas Clortho Ford. There had been rumblings that an announcement about the province’s retail beer system was forthcoming and my sources at Queen’s Park were increasingly troubled by Dofo’s anxious, aggressive behaviour. They tell me he’d been eating an inordinate amount of mint-flavoured toothpicks from his favourite Etobicoke diner and aides were calling out sick in droves, fearful of his restless energy. “He has been pacing for hours,” one told me a few weeks ago under the strict condition of confidentiality. “He’s worn through two pairs of double-wide loafers and he’s sweat through half a dozen ill-fitting wool blazers.”

Indeed, he was excited. And now we know why.

Because two weeks days ago, steeped in Dep gel and bounding through the automatic doors of a convenience store like the demon dog from Ghostbusters bursting out of Louis Tully’s bedroom, Ford announced that the province wouldn’t be renewing the Master Framework Agreement, which currently limits the number of grocery stores that are allowed to sell beer and prevents anyone but The Beer Store from selling beer in formats bigger than a 12 pack.

Yes, the days of The Beer Store’s monopoly are over, but I fear we are the poorer for it.

Obviously, killing The Beer Store’s stranglehold on the exclusive ability to sell Ontarians packaged beer is a good thing. The Beer Store, conceived of as a cooperative of Ontario’s breweries, became a farce once the biggest breweries on earth commenced their ruthless strategy of buying up or pushing out as many independent breweries as possible in the name of bland, yellow, carbonated capitalism. Now the erstwhile co-op is owned by three of the earth’s biggest beer-marketing machines and has lumbered on as the dusty, conveyor-belt-and-malt-fart-scented offspring of the shittiest parts of Canada’s beer industry; a biproduct of unchecked greed kept alive by stupidity and laziness.

Continue reading “The End of The Beer Store’s Monopoly”

Craft Beer in Italy

I recently had the extreme good fortune of being able to take a trip to the region of Italy known as Tuscany, and, as is often the case when I find myself awake in a foreign country, I took the opportunity to seek out some local booze.

As you may imagine, travelling in Italy there is a natural tendency toward the region’s world-class wines—and, indeed, few noon-hours passed during my vacation wherein I hadn’t already indulged in a glass of Vino Nobile from nearby Montepulciano, or a Brunello from nearby Montelcino, or a Chianti from nearby—anyway, you get the point: It would have been impossible for me not to get into some local wines and I did so freely and to excess and it was fucking great (and more on that at a later date).

However, as the name of this blog might make plain, I’m something of a fan of beer so, despite finding myself in the town of Pienza—population 2000—I made it my mission to seek out some local beer. Continue reading “Craft Beer in Italy”